Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Types of Wives

This is for Elspeth.  :)

Different men want different things in women.  When we, as women, are told that "all men want X" that's not necessarily true.  And if you've got no X in your personality/looks to build on, you're just going to get all frustrated.  What you should be doing (if unmarried) is building on your best characteristics and learning to be flexible.

So far, this is the list of the types of wives I've come up with:  (most women incorporate some/all of these characteristics, it's a weighted thing, not an absolute)

Solace:  Life is hard.  Wife is soft.  This is the wife that exists primarily to comfort you, whose very being is respite from the battle.  The men that pick this sort of women usually have had some sort of conflict (physical conflict) in their lives.  Soldiers, police, guys who *used* to live in the hood?  Yep.  Sweet faced wives who can cook and make a house into a home, who are low drama, low conflict.

Stimulation:  Most of the gents who pick this sort of wife tend to be very intelligent.  They want someone interesting to watch, someone who breaks the tedium.  My mom is absolutely this type of wife.  "Hey honey, do you want to go to China?"  Yep.  The bouncy wife, always enthusiastic, always finding new things to see, to do, to participate in.  High energy, likes projects, hates sitting still. 

Status:   This is your gal who cares about the brand names, who cares about her appearance (and never skips the gym or the spa appointments), who went to a good school and who keeps the appointment book on lock.  Friends?  Yes.  Frenemies?  Yes.  Social and ambitious.  She runs the PTA, she's on every committee.   She can work a room, she keeps up on things.  It's not an easy job.

Stage-manager:  (Hat Tip to MizD)  This is the wife whose husband is frequently busy and/or travelling.   She takes care of things.  Everything.  She runs his appointment book, she buys his Christmas presents, she takes care of all the kid stuff... now, some of us do that because we're SAHM.  This wife will do the managerial job regardless of her work status, because it's part of who she is, and who her husband is. 

Personally?  I'm very high-solace, with stimulation and stage-manager thrown in. ( But mostly because I'm a SAHM).  I watch people - I know when some men are like, "ew.  short chick with curves and a sweet face. ew." and contrariwise when the guy who's had a hard day sees me and is like, "ohhh, nice.  Squishy!"

I haven't given much thought to types of husbands, although I will offer that a man without a strong protective streak is unlikely to choose a high-solace wife. 

So, there you go, E.  Later I'll write on HHH... the post that's been nagging at me.

30 comments:

  1. I'm dying to read your types of husbands post. Please write one!

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    1. I found this, fwiw. http://nogreaterjoy.org/blogs/createdtobehishelpmeet/excerpts/

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  2. Solace provider here. It was always thus, LOL. I told you about when we were dating and he showed up at my door (middle of the night) because he needed "someplace where I can have some peace."

    The whole life is hard, wife is soft thing was a perfect word picture.

    Mostly solace provider, but a large part of my role is stage manager as well. That's a large part of being a SAHW and mother.

    I'm glad I motivated you to flesh these ideas out into a post. Some of our convos provide great post inspirations, don't they?


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    1. Great post. Right now Solace is perhaps my biggest "need", although I would also appreciate stage-manager and stimulation some as well. This is a bit of a shift for me, as before I took the Red Pill I was probably more stimulation than the others.

      Life is hard. Wife is soft.
      Hehe. This.

      I'm curious to see what the husband version will look like.

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    2. I guess I'll have to recruit some brainstorming, the husband version hadn't really occurred to me.

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  3. I think I'm a bit of each, high on the stimulation which surprises me.

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    1. does laughing at all his jokes count as solace? I'm big on that too.

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    2. You know Sis, I have a little bit of all of these too. And yes, laughing at jokes does provide solace I think. It's reaffirming.

      My husband is the idea guy around here, the stimulation if you will. My job is to get on board with the projects, to enthusiastically come alongside, work hard, and be ready to the soft landing pad when he's done and wants to decompress and rest.

      To say he highly values solace would be close to an understatement.

      The status thing rings true only in so much as he wants me to represent him well, but he figures that's doable on a budget, LOL. No interest at all in brand names and if I was interested in it he'd be livid.

      The good thing about this topic is that the variance in the types of people sets a stage where the guy who wants status or stimulation or solace or whatever can pick his flower based on his preferences.

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    3. Yes, solace can be friendly laughter. You're supporting him.

      Status... well, none of us run in those circles. ;)

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  4. Probably a more-or-less even split between stimulation and solace for me. Having an intelligent partner and someone that he can share his hobbies with (mainly reading & video games) has always been a huge deal to my husband. As far as solace goes, he can get frustrated easily and appreciates getting a hug and a friendly ear to vent to.

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    1. Video game partner isn't a bad skill for wives these days. I try, but I just can't keep up!

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  5. I think I strive to do all of them, but probably the most prominent is solace, as he has said coming home from work is so peaceful for him. We also sit around and talk about stuff like politics, his work, things we're reading, etc., so hopefully I'm a little stimulating lol. I am definitely the stage manager, but I think it's mostly because I am a sahm, too.

    Amanda

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    1. I think all SAHM/W get the stagemanager thing, it's part of our job description. But some wives do quite a bit of that, even if they also work - or they do more of it, like they help their husband with his job in some fashion.

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  6. Hmm. I think my husband needs solace and stage manager but he seemed to have picked me for stimulation. I am a mixture of solace, stage manager, and stimulation. If I were home all of the time, I'd be more solace, but working 20+ hours a week puts me squarely in the stimulation camp and makes things dicey around here. It's what he wants though so I'm trying to figure out what the balance should be. It seems to change from day to day, depending on what his work has been like that day.

    This is very helpful, Hearthie. I'm going to go off and think about it today. This is one of my days I have a little bit of extra time for thinking.

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    1. Hobbies. Lots of hobbies for stimulation wives. :)

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  7. Stage manager, here. My husband finds a great deal of solace in things being handled, as it turns out. He gives occasional directives, but he doesn't care to repeat himself or be bothered with what kind of spatula I'm going to buy or if I put gas in the car or develop a new recipe for kale. That's why I have you guys, lol. He gets involved for household systems failures and family health crises, otherwise, I'm up. I'm not always great at it, as it turns out, but he's very forgiving, and appreciates that I've learned a good deal about prioritizing. Funny how helpful that submission thing-y is, really. My own experience is what convinced me utterly that submission is a gift - to wives!

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  8. Well now isn't this interesting. I think she's quite right that every man wants a different combination based on his needs.
    Also easy to understand why men will job it out if they can't get it, because being restricted to one woman means you're trapped if she can't give you what you require.

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    1. I don't subscribe to that theory, sir. The wives I surround myself with seek to find ways to best serve their husbands' hearts. And women are naturally malleable. This is more about finding the best wife for your need, and knowing what your strengths are as a woman so that you don't throw yourself against a wall of rejection. I'd never try to catch a man who wanted a status wife. (Even if I weren't long married). He'd find nothing appealing in me, and even if I did get the job, I'd be miserable in it. Being solace to my husband is a joy.

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    2. The wives I surround myself with seek to find ways to best serve their husbands' hearts.

      Then those men are fortunate indeed. That attitude of yours is, unfortunately, the exception and not the rule.

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  9. And women are naturally malleable. And women are naturally malleable. This is more about finding the best wife for your need, and knowing what your strengths are as a woman so that you don't throw yourself against a wall of rejection.

    That's true. It's nice when you pair up with a spouse who is looking for what you have to offer. I suspect most people do, really.

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  10. Did you ever write the husband post? If so could you point me to it.

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    1. I didn't, but I found this. Not perfect but helpful. fwiw. http://nogreaterjoy.org/blogs/createdtobehishelpmeet/excerpts/

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  11. Hearthie this is awesome! Found it from Scott's then Elspeth's. I realize why I'm so exhausted recently - besides being 34 weeks pregnant now lol! I do the solace thing which makes sense with him being a police officer, but with his schedule being gone almost every afternoon/evening and missing hw, dinner, bedtime routine, I'm also the stage manager and operating sometimes like a single mom at night (not really though - they have it much harder without the financial and emotional support).

    But I also have a tiny bit of the status one since he's really ambitious, wants me to be apart of our city politics and I've become higher up in our wive's organization in managing events for all of our officers and their children. I really do not like being political, it's scary and I'm not naturally good at it, but with this role I have to make "friends" with powerful wives and their husbands who have lots of control over our department. Very scary stuff lol.

    No wonder I'm too exhausted these days to blog!! This was so interesting!

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    1. When you're working against type, it's hard. In your situation, you're perfectly suited to asking for help from the higher-ranking wives. Coming in as a new mom (who doesn't like babies?) gives you the opportunity to be a 'safe' person to take under a wing and helped along. Everyone wants to mentor an up-and-coming - especially one who is not a threat, and babies are natural social-threat reducers.

      Good luck!

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    2. You're very right and the higher ranking wives there are amazing women and have a ton of helpful info, plus their kids are older, so they actually can and do help me out with our toddler when he comes to things. I've already learned so much from them on how they handle all kinds of things. Very grateful.

      Nice post Hearth, thank you!

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