Lately everyone who interacts with me tells me how funny I am.
This is odd.
I'm trying for "moderately amusing". So to be told that I'm hilarious for what I consider an upbeat and different way to approach normal interaction is surprising. One of the ushers laughed out loud at me in church the other night... I just sort of blinked. It's good that I brought him joy, but I was aiming at charm. (It was happy laughter, not mockery, and I'm tots happy he was happy but... I really didn't think it was that funny. All I did was curtsy... gee... not my fault that the greeter curtsied back. All 6'5" of him...)
It's a little sad that trying for charming and sweet throws you waaaaay over the line into "OMG that's hilarious".
Can I admit that something holding me back from doing the whole eye-contact with humans thing is that I'm a little afraid of how they're going to react to me? Obviously I'm unused to much of it and when I get tired it's too much. But the other thing is - if I look at them, I can see how they're reacting to me, both positively and negatively. Staring at their chins or shoulders or hands doesn't get me in trouble like that.
And really? Aren't any other women girly anymore? Surely my penchant for flowers and gestures and smiles doesn't make me unique? I'm not exaggerating myself, I'm just *being* myself. I'm not empty-headed, I'm just chipper. I like being happy, it's so much less unpleasant than the other options. Anyway half of those other options are sins (particularly without reason). And being feminine is FUN. Lots of fun.
I am working on transparency, and honestly it's much less work than creating a persona. The real me is silly and sweet and has observed behavior patterns that you would rather she not have - but won't mention them unless it comes up.
Heart's desire - there's a passage in the Great Divorce that describes who I'd like to be in Heaven. Not so much the entourage, but the reason *for* the entourage: Chapter 12... the lady, Sarah Smith: "Love shone not from her face only, but from all her limbs, as if it were some liquid in which she had just been bathing." "...because the invitation to all joy, singing out of her whole being like a bird's song on an April evening, seemed to me such that no creature could resist it." (Speaking of transparency, and I blush at this - I know I'm not there. But *oh* how I'd love to be that person. Joy bringer, light bearer, shining love to all... )
Anyway. I don't *think* I'm the only woman whose heart sings that song... surely I'm not. But the more I'm like myself, the more intensely people react to me, and ... it's odd.
Talk to me?