Monday, July 7, 2014

Be yourself... and be baffled

Lately everyone who interacts with me tells me how funny I am.

This is odd.

I'm trying for "moderately amusing".  So to be told that I'm hilarious for what I consider an upbeat and different way to approach normal interaction is surprising.  One of the ushers laughed out loud at me in church the other night... I just sort of blinked.  It's good that I brought him joy, but I was aiming at charm.  (It was happy laughter, not mockery, and I'm tots happy he was happy but... I really didn't think it was that funny.  All I did was curtsy... gee... not my fault that the greeter curtsied back.  All 6'5" of him...)

It's a little sad that trying for charming and sweet throws you waaaaay over the line into "OMG that's hilarious".

Can I admit that something holding me back from doing the whole eye-contact with humans thing is that I'm a little afraid of how they're going to react to me?   Obviously I'm unused to much of it and when I get tired it's too much.  But the other thing is - if I look at them, I can see how they're reacting to me, both positively and negatively.  Staring at their chins or shoulders or hands doesn't get me in trouble like that.

And really?  Aren't any other women girly anymore?  Surely my penchant for flowers and gestures and smiles doesn't make me unique?  I'm not exaggerating myself, I'm just *being* myself.  I'm not empty-headed, I'm just chipper.  I like being happy, it's so much less unpleasant than the other options.  Anyway half of those other options are sins (particularly without reason).  And being feminine is FUN.  Lots of fun.

I am working on transparency, and honestly it's much less work than creating a persona.  The real me is silly and sweet and has observed behavior patterns that you would rather she not have - but won't mention them unless it comes up.

Heart's desire - there's a passage in the Great Divorce that describes who I'd like to be in Heaven.  Not so much the entourage, but the reason *for* the entourage:  Chapter 12... the lady, Sarah Smith:  "Love shone not from her face only, but from all her limbs, as if it were some liquid in which she had just been bathing."  "...because the invitation to all joy, singing out of her whole being like a bird's song on an April evening, seemed to me such that no creature could resist it."  (Speaking of transparency, and I blush at this - I know I'm not there.  But *oh* how I'd love to be that person.  Joy bringer, light bearer, shining love to all... )

Anyway.  I don't *think* I'm the only woman whose heart sings that song... surely I'm not.  But the more I'm like myself, the more intensely people react to me, and ... it's odd.

Talk to me?

8 comments:

  1. Joy bringer, light bearer, shining love to all... what a beautiful image. you are beautiful Hearthie.

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    1. Thanks Sis. Do you ever find that you get a lot of reaction for just rumbling around being girly?

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  2. I'm afraid of who I am, deep down. I'm a twit and an over-opinionated one at that. Most of the time I don't engage people because I'm tired of embarrassing myself or my husband because I'm always saying or doing something stupid. Social situations, even with family, cause me tremendous anxiety and I just shut down and try to hide in the corner.

    This hurts me, I suppose, but it does far more damage to my kids, who are naturally outgoing and want to talk to people, but I find I cut their socialization short when I feel my own anxiety building.

    I don't even know who I am, so how can I be myself and be natural?

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    1. Well. Find out who you are. Figure out the places that need to change - and those places are where God should be doing the driving, not you, and certainly not what society says you should change - and work on those. Ask for His grace. And come talk to me and I'll cheer you up.... I hate to see anyone sad.

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    2. Neither the Cranberry or the Hearthrose are twits.

      What you are is girls. You are wonderfully strange, liking things that most guys don't, such as frills and skirts and flowers... and most of the time yuor charm is lovely

      But our society is almost as scared of feminity as it is of that masculinity they hate and fear.

      They all want us in suits, neutered.

      Pray that you never be that. Be a girl instead. Most of us blokes would much prefer that, anyway.

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    3. Do you find that people treat you as if you were something other than you are, when you're particularly masculine?

      I have found - and am continually attempting to balance - is the tendency for people to either run me over or assume that between my ears I keep cotton candy, because I'm obnoxiously feminine. When I make it clear that I'll not be railroaded, and I'm perfectly able to think... it's almost offensive. Like a cold washcloth on their face. "But you're small and squishy... why did you say 'no'?"

      Do guys get that, in reverse??

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  3. I think our culture at large is so concerned with being "cool" and "hip" that they frown on and condescend to anyone who is naturally cheerful and sunny in nature. I was a cheerful, sunny child and wore my heart on my sleeve. I was brought up to hide much of that and not "burden" others with my confidences and emotions. It's a shame because that is part of me that my husband likes the most and I bet your husband likes that part of you, too. I'm beginning to suspect that more people are blessed by cheerful good-naturedness than are offended and so I'm doing my best to spread good will wherever I go. That's also part of my plan to put down my phone in public and connect with people instead.

    I know how hard it is when people don't understand or, even worse, frown at you. I have run away and "licked my wounds" countless times myself. However, I think that if we are living the kind of life you describe, "Joy bringer, light bearer, shining love to all...", we will be a blessing. The world rejects Christ in us sometimes but Christ never rejects us and that is where our strength is found to live a life of beauty, goodness, and truth as witnesses to Him. He made you exactly the way you are so as long as you are not in sin, I think it is grand that you be your natural sweet girly self.

    BTW, I'd love to correspond if you send me an email with your address. I received my first "real" letter yesterday and hugged to me, I was so excited. :)

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    1. Yay! Will do.

      I had the same thing as a kid. Just a normal kid, not particularly outgoing - I'm an introvert by nature - but the older I got, the less okay it was to be happy and pink and ... I just bottled that up. Also, you really do get a response of "she must be a twit" or "easy" or "stupid" because you aren't gloomy. It's silly, but it does take some courage to let yourself be transparent!

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Please keep your comments lovely. I encourage discussion, but I will erase ugliness. And let's not shoot fish in a barrel please - no picking on specific people, even celebrities.